Is nothing sacred? Burgers have long been a reliable staple of pubs and restaurants, and a pretty safe bet for a good feed no matter where you go. But apparently some daredevil ‘hipster’ chefs have been getting a little too groovy with their burgers, and the government has had to step in and save us all. *phew*
The scourge of still-pink burgers was sure to kill us all… sooner or later… somehow… maybe. So thank God for the government, eh?
I can see it now… a whole new genre of crime TV show… CSI Burger… or the new NCIS, no not the Navy Criminal Investigation Service, but the far more important ‘Naughty Chef Investigation Service’. In episode after episode we’ll see brown-cardigan’d bureaucrats locked in a battle of wits against crafty chefs with beards and tattoo’s, endangering lives with Sushi (it’s uncooked for heavens sake!) or (God forbid!) Korean BBQ, where people are entrusted with the responsibility of cooking their own meat! Oh the horror!
Perhaps a horror film… ‘Night of the pink patties’… in which a reckless hipster chef without so much as a net over his beard routinely assaults his patrons with tasty patties that leave juice running down their chins and drops of grease on their stylishly ripped hemp shirts… I wouldn’t sleep for weeks.
Yes, I’ve finally seen the light. I finally understand that we really do need the government to protect us from absolutely everything. Why I had a close call only last week with a pink-centered burger pattie. You don’t just brush something like that off! It stays with you. I find myself thinking about it all the time… mostly that I’d like to go back and have another one… but that’s beside the point! Maybe next time I’ll bring a bureaucrat with me to make sure the meat is safe, the drinks aren’t too alcoholic, the chairs aren’t a risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis, the atmosphere isn’t too loud to be safe for my hearing, the side of chips aren’t too fattening, and my conversation with my companions doesn’t stray into ‘dangerous’ areas like personal choice and responsibility.
Indeed, it sounds like a perfect day out.
Hat tip: Reader Brian Marlow
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No wonder they want to reduce the population. How can a small coterie of state experts look after the ever burgeoning proles who wander around looking for somewhere to have an accident?